Oh the thoughts. When they come, they attack me like the plague. I couldn't sleep last night for worrying about my sister. The 4 year thing got me thinking. I tried to focus on the positives but ended up going back and reading the posts from that time. It breaks my heart because I can still see the pain in his face as he spoke those ugly words. I still see the sneering smile when he would lie to my face, or make me crumble to the ground with his insults. A few days ago while on a walk, Abigail started talking about *that* day in the park with the dogs, she wanted me to know she remembered, all on her own and that she always will. I don't know which words hurt my heart more. The ones from him as he left our family or the fact that she remembers.
I wish I knew why this was all coming back now?!
For those of you wondering...Ryan is amazing. He is such a strong man, accepting the challenge of loving me and my girls. Carefully protecting what was left of our hearts. He knows that we all still love B and that this was not our choice. He also understands that the fact that I will always love B and trusts that this does not diminish the love I have for him. I don't know if I have ever met a man as compassionate and loving as him.
It is not fair, for any of us. I can only say it must be my hormones. As Axel's surgery approaches, I am nearing 10 months of limited sleep, and as his diet changes so does my supply and therefore my hormones are pretty whacked out.
I know that with the other 2 pregnancies, 9-10 months was my most difficult time. The good news is that I feel I am nearing the end of the tunnel.
But with all that is going on, I also know this may just be the calm before the storm. God help me if *this* is the calm!
Then again...I've been through worse. Reading back, feeling those feelings and knowing I survived~Wow! I am so much stronger than I give myself credit for.
2 comments:
Breaks my heart to read this and remember what that time was like for you. Not only was he destroying your family but doing everything in his power to rub salt in the open wound and make it hurt as much as possible. I will not ever understand how anyone could have so much hatred for someone that just wanted to make things work. On the other hand you and the girls are stronger for having gone through that and now you are even more amazing and tough. :)
Maybe they should have stuffed their own mouths with socks and duck taped it shut since they were the ones with all the damaging words.
Sorry some rude comments I won't ever forget and that is definitely one of them
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