tres dias mas

Then my babies will be HOME! I am running around like crazy trying to finish everything on my list.

When the girls are gone I have time to think. To assess every relationship in my life. Its like a train wreck. You see it coming and know its going to be catastrophic...but can't do a dang thing to stop it. When we watch movies, I am the girl that is screaming at the TV, "jump off the tracks!", but in real life I am the goob that gets schmacked.

The first week I spent planning, trying desperately not to think about anything. Then it's a full week of remembering every argument over every text, replaying every get together, digging for the truth then wondering if I'd done this or that differently and getting MAD.  Then I looked in the mirror. That would be where the trainwreck comes in. No need to publish all my dirty laundry...but lets just say that I'm a work in progress, as we all are, and I am determined to have a better (happier) life. (start the timer...lets see how long this lasts :-p) It's no secret that this was not the way I planned for my life to go. But I am learning to accept that someone sees things I can't and knows that this route was better for me and the girls in the long run. So I will *try* to accept it and stay the course.

I feel like there were some major epiphanies this month, although for the life of me I can't put it into words. I feel better, in my heart & soul, my mind feels almost clear for the first time in a long while. Might have something to do with the fact that the boy is (finally) sleeping in a more regular pattern which means I am getting more than 2-3 hours of sleep and therefore my PPOCD seems to be getting better. Man...that PPD stuff isn't for kids, its rough stuff. I'm fairly confident that Axel is my last simply because I am so over feeling that out of sorts. Imagine if you were standing in a library and all the bookshelves do that domino thing and topple over, and you have to put them all back into place. Its all totally do-able...and completely overwhelming. But it must get done and NOW...and yeah, all that and throw in some crazy what-if scenario induced panic attacks and that's kinda how my PPOCD makes me feel.

Finally the mad rush to get everything done before they come home. Cleaning and organizing and pinning. :-) I have BIG plans for when the girls come home. I am so excited to hear them arguing and fussing!

I love my kids so much~and I love my family. As much as I don't enjoy the process of this visitation business, I do have to admit, it is healthy. It is healthy for the girls to have this time with their Dad. It is healthy for me to have a break from being the "on" parent "all" the time. It is healthy for them to know that they are SO VERY LOVED! It is healthy for Ryan and I to have this time together without the pressure of raising three kids. It is healthy for Axel to get some one on one time with his parents (that actually hurts my heart to write because I am not sure I agree with it, but whatever). And it will be healthy for all of us to come back together and appreciate the life we share.

Ok...I've got a load of stuff to take to Goodwill and a haircut appointment & a nail appointment and then I am going to surprise Ryan with a date! I'm thinking Don Carlos for dinner~YUM! :-)