Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Correction
Since I have a wonderful *stalker* who likes to cause trouble for my family and I, I am forced to write this *correction*. I have NOT made up my mind about home schooling Abigail. It is something I did consult Brent about but I have NOT gone behind his back and decided without him.
It irks me that this person claims to care for my children. After everything they have been through, as if life has not been harsh enough for my girls, this person feels the need to further taint their lives by causing turmoil between their Mom and Dad. I appreciate the persecution, it gives me a chance to step up and stand for what is good and right while placing my trust in the Almighty. If he is for me, who can be against me!
Above all else, I AM THEIR MOTHER!!! God created these children in MY WOMB and entrusted them to ME! I understand that I do not have a college degree, and that I was raised middle class, but that does not in any way shape or form limit my maternal capabilities! Love for your child is not strengthened by your achievements. It can not be purchased at Neimans. Love=sacrifices. When you realize you would give your life for your child...that you are willing accept hardship in order to do what is best for your child...that is when you become a MOTHER. Something this person obviously has no comprehension of.
Now for my own personal therapy...I think i will write that book and publish it here in the coming weeks. A fictional story, You guys should enjoy it...especially Vanessa Fox.
It irks me that this person claims to care for my children. After everything they have been through, as if life has not been harsh enough for my girls, this person feels the need to further taint their lives by causing turmoil between their Mom and Dad. I appreciate the persecution, it gives me a chance to step up and stand for what is good and right while placing my trust in the Almighty. If he is for me, who can be against me!
Above all else, I AM THEIR MOTHER!!! God created these children in MY WOMB and entrusted them to ME! I understand that I do not have a college degree, and that I was raised middle class, but that does not in any way shape or form limit my maternal capabilities! Love for your child is not strengthened by your achievements. It can not be purchased at Neimans. Love=sacrifices. When you realize you would give your life for your child...that you are willing accept hardship in order to do what is best for your child...that is when you become a MOTHER. Something this person obviously has no comprehension of.
Now for my own personal therapy...I think i will write that book and publish it here in the coming weeks. A fictional story, You guys should enjoy it...especially Vanessa Fox.
december conclusions
So as the year draws to a close I want to throw out some random thoughts that have swirling around in my mind lately.
While trying to calculate my taxes and budget for 2009, I came to the conclusion that when I think about how much $ I need...I really have the wrong idea. How many sermons have I endured about how it is not my money and I have yet to comprehend the message. I am constantly looking for ways to earn more money in order to buy a bunch of meaningless stuff. I should look at receiving a paycheck as a small token of trust given to me by me father. It is one of the small chances he gives me to prove to him that I am listening and learning and I have failed miserably. I spend far more than I make, and I rely on money as a comfort. I like to buy things for others (mainly my children)and rarely do I question how God would want me to spend the money I have in my hand. After my bills are paid, *if* I have extra it does not go into the offering plate, it goes to Starbucks or Target. When was the last time I received my paycheck as a gift instead of something that was owed to me? When was the last time I thanked God as I wrote checks for bills? When was the last time I looked at the $14 dollars I had left over and asked "God, how do you want me to use your money?". Even this is not the correct attitude because the first bill every month should be an offering and instead it goes to Bank of America to make the car payment. That being said,my list of resolutions has a #1.
Moving on...I did finish my classes and while my grades where not where *I* want them to be...they are where they *need* to be. God got me through, he gave me the knowledge and I passed. It was a huge accomplishment and I have had to let got an accept that it is not about what people think. I know what my situation was and yes there were days I could have been more diligent, I also know there were days I am proud to say I made the right choice and I spent that 5 minutes with my six year old cherishing her fleeting youth. I spent every night kissing my girls goodnight and inhaling that sweet smell of innocence.
As I mentally prepare for next semester, I cling to hope. I embrace the opportunity to change. The possibility of tomorrow. I love the chaos of my life and every day I take on a little more. It drives my friends crazy but they also know that it is who I am and they love me in spite of it. If I do not push myself how will i ever reach my potential. I lived my dream, I was a wife for 6 years. I am a Mom now and forever. Aside from that I have a blank slate of my life. I am not yet 30 and I have accomplished everything I ever thought I wanted to. Now I get to discover a whole new world. It is as if I was given a new life, a chance to do more than I ever dreamed...and what kind of fool would I be if i were to waste that? The most awesome thing is that I am free. I am free to discover this without influence...It is between God and I. I do not have a husband to submit to. My children are factors as are my family and friends but all in all I get to choose all on my own and I have endless possibilities. If i choose to take classes and work and home school Abigail, I can! I do not have to ask for permission...I just get to do what I feel God wants me to do! I don't have to explain myself to anyone. I answer to God and for the first time in my whole 27 years of living I *feel* the freedom God has given me and it is blissful. I feel as if no matter what i do...it will be exactly what God has planned therefore as long as I follow my heart (God) then I can't fail...there are not words! Only a radiant smile that makes my cheeks hurt!!
I may not know where I am going, but I know where I've been, and more importantly I know who I am following...what else could I possibly need to know?
There are more thoughts, but they will have to wait...the puppy needs to go out :-)
While trying to calculate my taxes and budget for 2009, I came to the conclusion that when I think about how much $ I need...I really have the wrong idea. How many sermons have I endured about how it is not my money and I have yet to comprehend the message. I am constantly looking for ways to earn more money in order to buy a bunch of meaningless stuff. I should look at receiving a paycheck as a small token of trust given to me by me father. It is one of the small chances he gives me to prove to him that I am listening and learning and I have failed miserably. I spend far more than I make, and I rely on money as a comfort. I like to buy things for others (mainly my children)and rarely do I question how God would want me to spend the money I have in my hand. After my bills are paid, *if* I have extra it does not go into the offering plate, it goes to Starbucks or Target. When was the last time I received my paycheck as a gift instead of something that was owed to me? When was the last time I thanked God as I wrote checks for bills? When was the last time I looked at the $14 dollars I had left over and asked "God, how do you want me to use your money?". Even this is not the correct attitude because the first bill every month should be an offering and instead it goes to Bank of America to make the car payment. That being said,my list of resolutions has a #1.
Moving on...I did finish my classes and while my grades where not where *I* want them to be...they are where they *need* to be. God got me through, he gave me the knowledge and I passed. It was a huge accomplishment and I have had to let got an accept that it is not about what people think. I know what my situation was and yes there were days I could have been more diligent, I also know there were days I am proud to say I made the right choice and I spent that 5 minutes with my six year old cherishing her fleeting youth. I spent every night kissing my girls goodnight and inhaling that sweet smell of innocence.
As I mentally prepare for next semester, I cling to hope. I embrace the opportunity to change. The possibility of tomorrow. I love the chaos of my life and every day I take on a little more. It drives my friends crazy but they also know that it is who I am and they love me in spite of it. If I do not push myself how will i ever reach my potential. I lived my dream, I was a wife for 6 years. I am a Mom now and forever. Aside from that I have a blank slate of my life. I am not yet 30 and I have accomplished everything I ever thought I wanted to. Now I get to discover a whole new world. It is as if I was given a new life, a chance to do more than I ever dreamed...and what kind of fool would I be if i were to waste that? The most awesome thing is that I am free. I am free to discover this without influence...It is between God and I. I do not have a husband to submit to. My children are factors as are my family and friends but all in all I get to choose all on my own and I have endless possibilities. If i choose to take classes and work and home school Abigail, I can! I do not have to ask for permission...I just get to do what I feel God wants me to do! I don't have to explain myself to anyone. I answer to God and for the first time in my whole 27 years of living I *feel* the freedom God has given me and it is blissful. I feel as if no matter what i do...it will be exactly what God has planned therefore as long as I follow my heart (God) then I can't fail...there are not words! Only a radiant smile that makes my cheeks hurt!!
I may not know where I am going, but I know where I've been, and more importantly I know who I am following...what else could I possibly need to know?
There are more thoughts, but they will have to wait...the puppy needs to go out :-)
Sunday, December 14, 2008
My life
As 2008 comes to a close and I have been thinking back over the year, it is time for me to just open up and let it all come out as i attempt to set the record straight.
First of all, it has been a crazy year. Brent graduated, left town and got married(or something like that. Then I moved, and started college. These are some pretty major events to go through let alone...alone. Abigail is 6 and Amelia is about to turn 2. I don't want to say this year has been traumatic because we had some really great times. I went to Shreveport and Galveston, and had amazing visits with friends. We have done so much this year and I feel very accomplished. I also feel very thankful for the blessings I have been given, healthy children, and house right across the street form where I was. Love and support that cannot be measured.
In the meantime I went through some pretty harsh emotional stuff. And yes, I still feel a vacant place in my heart. I fear I will feel empty forever. God is here and he gets me through each day. Without Him I never would have made it through any of this. He is Jehovah Jireh and he provided what I needed when I needed it.
First of all, it has been a crazy year. Brent graduated, left town and got married(or something like that. Then I moved, and started college. These are some pretty major events to go through let alone...alone. Abigail is 6 and Amelia is about to turn 2. I don't want to say this year has been traumatic because we had some really great times. I went to Shreveport and Galveston, and had amazing visits with friends. We have done so much this year and I feel very accomplished. I also feel very thankful for the blessings I have been given, healthy children, and house right across the street form where I was. Love and support that cannot be measured.
In the meantime I went through some pretty harsh emotional stuff. And yes, I still feel a vacant place in my heart. I fear I will feel empty forever. God is here and he gets me through each day. Without Him I never would have made it through any of this. He is Jehovah Jireh and he provided what I needed when I needed it.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
When I have no words...
When I don't even have the strength to pray. When the disappointment and the fear weigh so heavily on my soul it seems all is lost and I begin to question why even try...
I find a song (or your most awesome little sister tells you about it) and for a moment, just a moment you smile and all is well. Maybe it sounds funny to you, but I truly believe God can use anything or anyone to speak to your soul. And for whatever reason this song brought me peace and reassurance...that God is not personally attacking me, that he is not torturing me, He is gently trying to teach me to be patient and trust in His plan...not my own. I am not having a very teachable spirit...I am throwing a temper tantrum with the best of them.
Romans 8:26~In the same way, the spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.
You Found Me
By Isaac Slade/Joe King/The Fray
//Verse 1//
I found God
On the corner of First and Amistad
Where the west
Was all but won
All alone
Smoking his last cigarette
I said, “Where you been?”
He said, “Ask anything.”
//Verse 2//
Where were you
When everything was falling apart?
All my days
Were spent by the telephone
That never rang
And all I needed was a call
It never came
To the corner of First and Amistad
//Chorus 1//
Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, You found me
//Verse 3//
In the end
Everyone ends up alone
Losing her
The only one who’s ever known
Who I am
Who I’m not, and who I want to be
No way to know
How long she will be next to me
//Chorus 2//
Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, You found me
//Bridge//
Early morning
The city breaks
I’ve been calling
For years and years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
You never sent me no letters
You got some kind of nerve
Taking all I want
//Chorus 3 and outro//
Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Where were you, where were you?
Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, You found me
Why’d you have to wait
To find me, to find me?
Here’s what Isaac had to say on their website about the song:
“You Found Me is a tough song for me. Its about the disappointment, the heart ache, the let down that comes with life. Sometimes you’re let down, sometimes you’re the one who lets someone else down. It gets hard to know who you can trust, who you can count on. This song came out of a tough time, and I’m still right in the thick of it. There’s some difficult circumstances my family and friends have been going through over the past year or so and can be overwhelming. It wears on me. It demands so much of my faith to keep believing, keep hoping in the unseen. Sometimes the tunnel has a light at the end, but usually they just look black as night. This song is about that feeling, and the hope that I still have, buried deep in my chest.”
I find a song (or your most awesome little sister tells you about it) and for a moment, just a moment you smile and all is well. Maybe it sounds funny to you, but I truly believe God can use anything or anyone to speak to your soul. And for whatever reason this song brought me peace and reassurance...that God is not personally attacking me, that he is not torturing me, He is gently trying to teach me to be patient and trust in His plan...not my own. I am not having a very teachable spirit...I am throwing a temper tantrum with the best of them.
Romans 8:26~In the same way, the spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.
You Found Me
By Isaac Slade/Joe King/The Fray
//Verse 1//
I found God
On the corner of First and Amistad
Where the west
Was all but won
All alone
Smoking his last cigarette
I said, “Where you been?”
He said, “Ask anything.”
//Verse 2//
Where were you
When everything was falling apart?
All my days
Were spent by the telephone
That never rang
And all I needed was a call
It never came
To the corner of First and Amistad
//Chorus 1//
Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, You found me
//Verse 3//
In the end
Everyone ends up alone
Losing her
The only one who’s ever known
Who I am
Who I’m not, and who I want to be
No way to know
How long she will be next to me
//Chorus 2//
Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, You found me
//Bridge//
Early morning
The city breaks
I’ve been calling
For years and years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
You never sent me no letters
You got some kind of nerve
Taking all I want
//Chorus 3 and outro//
Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Where were you, where were you?
Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, You found me
Why’d you have to wait
To find me, to find me?
Here’s what Isaac had to say on their website about the song:
“You Found Me is a tough song for me. Its about the disappointment, the heart ache, the let down that comes with life. Sometimes you’re let down, sometimes you’re the one who lets someone else down. It gets hard to know who you can trust, who you can count on. This song came out of a tough time, and I’m still right in the thick of it. There’s some difficult circumstances my family and friends have been going through over the past year or so and can be overwhelming. It wears on me. It demands so much of my faith to keep believing, keep hoping in the unseen. Sometimes the tunnel has a light at the end, but usually they just look black as night. This song is about that feeling, and the hope that I still have, buried deep in my chest.”
I am so excited!!!
My family is all coming here for Thanksgiving and my will my house be full. Since the girls will be spending Thanksgiving with Brent and Mary, my family decided to come and keep me occupied and prevent me from spending too much $$$ on Christmas gifts!
With all my siblings here (well, minus Josiah cuz he's in IRAQ) I will miss my kids but not nearly as much. It will be crazy hectic but I love it and it will feel like home for a few days!
The holiday spirit has officially begun to spread and hoepfully by the time they leave, I will have christmas lights hung up, a tree and some yummy leftovers.
Yes, they come visit and I put them all to work, Thats what family is for right!? :-)
With all my siblings here (well, minus Josiah cuz he's in IRAQ) I will miss my kids but not nearly as much. It will be crazy hectic but I love it and it will feel like home for a few days!
The holiday spirit has officially begun to spread and hoepfully by the time they leave, I will have christmas lights hung up, a tree and some yummy leftovers.
Yes, they come visit and I put them all to work, Thats what family is for right!? :-)
Thursday, November 13, 2008
How many times...
How many times do I find myself telling Abigail to "Trust me, I have it under control"?
And how many times does God have to tell me, "Trust me...I have it under control"?
And how many times does God have to tell me, "Trust me...I have it under control"?
Monday, November 10, 2008
family and home
First off, it has been a really, really rough week. Abigail has reached her limit of *ugliness* and consequently so have I. Without airing our dity laundry I will simply say God has been working and showing me where my focus needs to be. Instead of focusing all my strength and attention on where we should possibly move and where is the man God has for me...I need to focus on showing my daughter that having a man does not complete or define our FAMILY!! Neither does me having a degree. I do not feel that this is the time for me to commit to school. I am not saying I will not finish, but I need to be strong enough to to stand up to those who pressure me and say that it is not right for me at this time. I will not finish school at the expense of my childrens upbringing. They are the first and foremost important thing in my life and there is no job more important that raising my girls to be the women God created them to be. Man may not approve or respect me but I will have the peace of knowing I am following my Fathers plan.
I was selected to go to the Captivating Retreat this coming February in CO and I am so very excited to see what God has in store for me there! Please pray for God to prepare my heart to bend to His will.
I know that being a christian does not insure you the *easy* life, but rather a path filled with challenges and difficulties that seem unbearable and the point of those hurdles is to show that God is God and powerful beyond our understanding or imagination. Now my point in saying this is to admit my own desire to have control. I do not want to surrender to His plan because his plan scares me. The thought of being alone, that I may never again feel the comforts of marriage or the thought of having to endure the struggles of parenting on my own...I don't want to. I don't want to let go and say I trust God because I know once I give it all to him I am leaving myself wide open for attack. I have to pray. I know that if I am faithful He will protect us. I know that if I allow Him to take control then the outcome will be nothing short of a miracle.
Thank you all for bearing with me through this and praying when I cannot. As I was reminded by a good friend last night, I need to draw my strength from the word and not from man so please pray that I will be able to immerse myself (my family) in the word and that I will be able to drown out all ungodly influences and be strong when the enemy attacks.
God is Good!
I was selected to go to the Captivating Retreat this coming February in CO and I am so very excited to see what God has in store for me there! Please pray for God to prepare my heart to bend to His will.
I know that being a christian does not insure you the *easy* life, but rather a path filled with challenges and difficulties that seem unbearable and the point of those hurdles is to show that God is God and powerful beyond our understanding or imagination. Now my point in saying this is to admit my own desire to have control. I do not want to surrender to His plan because his plan scares me. The thought of being alone, that I may never again feel the comforts of marriage or the thought of having to endure the struggles of parenting on my own...I don't want to. I don't want to let go and say I trust God because I know once I give it all to him I am leaving myself wide open for attack. I have to pray. I know that if I am faithful He will protect us. I know that if I allow Him to take control then the outcome will be nothing short of a miracle.
Thank you all for bearing with me through this and praying when I cannot. As I was reminded by a good friend last night, I need to draw my strength from the word and not from man so please pray that I will be able to immerse myself (my family) in the word and that I will be able to drown out all ungodly influences and be strong when the enemy attacks.
God is Good!
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Sad
I've had just enough of the spotlight when it burns bright
To see how it gets in the blood.
And I've tasted my share of the sweet life and the wild ride
And found a little is not quite enough.
I know how I can stray
And how fast my heart could change.
Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you.
I've seen just enough of the quick buys of the best lies
To know how prodigals can be drawn away.
I know how I can stray
And how fast my heart could change.
Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you.
Cause everything is a lesser thing
Compared to you, compared to you.
Cause everything is a lesser thing
Compared to you so why surrender all?
Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me so I can be
Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you.
Oh, filled with you.
Empty me.
I know that is what needs to be done and that is what He is doing but right now I feel so empty it hurts. I can't be truly empty...but I have let go of all of *my* dreams, hopes and desires in an effort to follow His will for my life. It is not my will but His and right now it is no fun. It is lonely, sad and scary. I haven't felt like this since Brent left. It feels oddly refreshing...like the scraping away of dead tissue. It hurts like heck then it feels so much better...but still, I just want to go curl up in a ball and cry.
To see how it gets in the blood.
And I've tasted my share of the sweet life and the wild ride
And found a little is not quite enough.
I know how I can stray
And how fast my heart could change.
Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you.
I've seen just enough of the quick buys of the best lies
To know how prodigals can be drawn away.
I know how I can stray
And how fast my heart could change.
Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you.
Cause everything is a lesser thing
Compared to you, compared to you.
Cause everything is a lesser thing
Compared to you so why surrender all?
Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me so I can be
Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you.
Oh, filled with you.
Empty me.
I know that is what needs to be done and that is what He is doing but right now I feel so empty it hurts. I can't be truly empty...but I have let go of all of *my* dreams, hopes and desires in an effort to follow His will for my life. It is not my will but His and right now it is no fun. It is lonely, sad and scary. I haven't felt like this since Brent left. It feels oddly refreshing...like the scraping away of dead tissue. It hurts like heck then it feels so much better...but still, I just want to go curl up in a ball and cry.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
pics to come
I took the girls trick or treating last night. It was very weird to say the least. First we walked to the park for Noahs Neat Treat, which was interesting. I have major crowd issues! After that my Mom and Dad took the girls to the few houses with lights on and let them say trick or treat. They had fun which is all that matters.
Next year we plan to have a Harvest Party the day after Halloween at Mom and Dads (easter style) good ole apple bobbin, caramel corn eatin, candy harvesting fun without the crowds or worries of poisoned candy! :-)
Now it is on to planning for Thanksgiving and then Christmas. And I am happy to say we officially started the shopping this weekend! I adore Christmas!!!
Now personally speaking, I am struggling. But without struggle there is no strengthening. Without the fire there is no refining, without God there is no hope. So I embrace the hardship, the loneliness the doubt and KNOW that I am being transformed. I have faith that this is where he has brought me and that he is paving the way and when the time is right he will direct me.
Next year we plan to have a Harvest Party the day after Halloween at Mom and Dads (easter style) good ole apple bobbin, caramel corn eatin, candy harvesting fun without the crowds or worries of poisoned candy! :-)
Now it is on to planning for Thanksgiving and then Christmas. And I am happy to say we officially started the shopping this weekend! I adore Christmas!!!
Now personally speaking, I am struggling. But without struggle there is no strengthening. Without the fire there is no refining, without God there is no hope. So I embrace the hardship, the loneliness the doubt and KNOW that I am being transformed. I have faith that this is where he has brought me and that he is paving the way and when the time is right he will direct me.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Who I am
Today, I am Jinon...now if I only knew what that meant.
I went to the clinic where I used to work and walked around and it felt so strange. the girls were not there, they are in school now. It was quiet and sad. I kept expecting to see Brent walk around the corner wearing his silly school boy grin but the hall was empty... I am still affectionately referred to as "it" as in I am *the* babysitter. It felt good to know that they all still hold me in such high regards.
At my uncles funeral, I walked in and was greeted with "here she is, Nancy's clone". yes, that is who I am...little Nancy. Ever since I can remember, every Sunday, each and every family function i would hear, "you look just like your momma". I personally think my mom is beautiful so although I do wish I had an identity outside of being her twin...there is honestly no higher compliment. I mean seriously..who else can give birth to 9 children, and look like that in her 50's...NATURALLY!!!
I am also a super MEAN mom, who "hates" her kids and doesn't want them to have any fun. I guess I'm doing it right.
I am a homeschooler struggling through college.
I am a single Mom who loves her girls more than life.
I am the ex girlfriend who, once upon a time snooped and found reason to be suspect, but instead kept her mouth shut hoping and only received lies.
I am the ex-wife who felt the separation from her husband but was too scared to stand up and fight for her family.
I am the scared little girl who allows other to push her around
I am flawed, perfectly marked in His unique manner. Just as Amy Carmichael had brown eyes which she saw as a flaw...he used those brown eyes to spread his love and salvation to countless children. God will use my imperfections as he sees fit.
This list could go on...but tonight instead I choose a different path.
I am wise. I am resourceful. I am intuitive. I am strong. I am loving. I am beautiful. I am rare & precious, perfectly created in my Fathers image, equipped to fulfill his purpose. I am prepared to be a living example of his goodness & mercy. I am an ambassador of His love & provision. I am His princess.
There is a story of a little girl whose father had given her a string of fake pearls. and every night he asked her if he could have them. Each night she said "No". Then one night she trusted him enough and and gave him her precious pearls. In return he handed her a string of real pearls. So with that I submit. I hand my pearls, my hopes and dreams to God, knowing that he only asks me to sacrifice what my simple mind can imagine knowing that my heavenly Father has something much greater in store and he is just waiting for me to trust....Father, I trust you and I submit my life to you.
I went to the clinic where I used to work and walked around and it felt so strange. the girls were not there, they are in school now. It was quiet and sad. I kept expecting to see Brent walk around the corner wearing his silly school boy grin but the hall was empty... I am still affectionately referred to as "it" as in I am *the* babysitter. It felt good to know that they all still hold me in such high regards.
At my uncles funeral, I walked in and was greeted with "here she is, Nancy's clone". yes, that is who I am...little Nancy. Ever since I can remember, every Sunday, each and every family function i would hear, "you look just like your momma". I personally think my mom is beautiful so although I do wish I had an identity outside of being her twin...there is honestly no higher compliment. I mean seriously..who else can give birth to 9 children, and look like that in her 50's...NATURALLY!!!
I am also a super MEAN mom, who "hates" her kids and doesn't want them to have any fun. I guess I'm doing it right.
I am a homeschooler struggling through college.
I am a single Mom who loves her girls more than life.
I am the ex girlfriend who, once upon a time snooped and found reason to be suspect, but instead kept her mouth shut hoping and only received lies.
I am the ex-wife who felt the separation from her husband but was too scared to stand up and fight for her family.
I am the scared little girl who allows other to push her around
I am flawed, perfectly marked in His unique manner. Just as Amy Carmichael had brown eyes which she saw as a flaw...he used those brown eyes to spread his love and salvation to countless children. God will use my imperfections as he sees fit.
This list could go on...but tonight instead I choose a different path.
I am wise. I am resourceful. I am intuitive. I am strong. I am loving. I am beautiful. I am rare & precious, perfectly created in my Fathers image, equipped to fulfill his purpose. I am prepared to be a living example of his goodness & mercy. I am an ambassador of His love & provision. I am His princess.
There is a story of a little girl whose father had given her a string of fake pearls. and every night he asked her if he could have them. Each night she said "No". Then one night she trusted him enough and and gave him her precious pearls. In return he handed her a string of real pearls. So with that I submit. I hand my pearls, my hopes and dreams to God, knowing that he only asks me to sacrifice what my simple mind can imagine knowing that my heavenly Father has something much greater in store and he is just waiting for me to trust....Father, I trust you and I submit my life to you.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Happy Fall!
My little monkey isn't so little anymore, She has mastered climbing all the way to the top and getting back down!
She is also very helpful...with the right motivation ;-)
Little cheesehead!
Amelia is so silly, this bow was in her hair for all of 15 minutes...she detests bows in her hair.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I keep thinking back to swim team and all the practices when we had to tread water for 5, 10 or 15 minutes and how excruciating it was, how annoying and boring it was. But sure enough it got easier and easier, until one day I found myself treading water for hours while having a conversation. Funny now, looking back I can see that even then God was preparing me for this. No, I am not treading water to cool down, or pass my Lifeguarding test...but simply to keep my head above water. I am treading the waters of my mind. Faithfully I kick my legs and wave my arms and survive each day. I hate it. It is bothersome and painful. But at the days end I fall into my bed happy, content and stronger than the day before. All in all I am so very blessed. Look at my happy girls and tell my I am not. I look at these faces and I can remember the way they smelled, the noises they made, the trouble they got into and I rejoice! I know this because I was there. Of all my blessings, family, friends, my life of luxury, the greatest blessing is that I am the one raising my girls. I could not ask for more.
Abigail is so grown up.Friday, October 10, 2008
verbal explosion
Yesterday while we are driving to Katy, Amelia wakes from her nap and proceeds to blow me away. The little girl opened her mouth and this string of new vocabulary words poured out...in sequence! As we drive we sing silly songs to pass the time so as Abigail and I are taking turns singing ~Abi-abi-aba-blail, ama-lea-la-lia~, lo and behold little miss pops up and says "No, Mommy, my turn. Abigail, no, Mia sing!" All of a sudden she is singing twinkle twinkle little star, our silly name song and "bad day" and talking about "going fast", "bye car", "go see sanna, dan, jubi, jed"...the list goes on! It's pretty awesome if you ask me, and I am so proud!!!
Also despite being stinky sick this week I went to class, and passed all my quizs, and even got a 100% on my psyc quiz! Wahoo, Go me!!! :-)
Also despite being stinky sick this week I went to class, and passed all my quizs, and even got a 100% on my psyc quiz! Wahoo, Go me!!! :-)
Friday, September 26, 2008
so what!
To all of those who actually read my blogs I apologize for the repetitive posts. I keep posting the same thing over and over. Yes-Life is hard, school is not fun, My kids are great, I'll be okay... blah,blah,blah. We all have issues and who really wants to read about mine? Whatever.
I'm trying, unfortunately, *trying* is crap. "It's putting forth minimal effort and expecting full credit". I'm putting forth as much as I'm willing too. My kids are more fun and important to me than school. So no, maybe I'm not giving it all that I could. Oh~freaking well.
I can't be completely honest in my posts, too much detail and I'll have to answer questions I don't know the answer to just yet.
So...I'm not a cheerleader, I don't do *bubbly and giddy*. I don't get all frilly dressed up and flirt with stupid boys or candy-coat my life so that I feel special. I am real, not perfect but real. I cry when I'm sad. I am serious and I think too much about stuff I can't change. But I am flippin awesome just the same!!! I don't understand why so many *happy* tell me that I'm never happy. Just because I don't live in your state of mind doesn't mean that I am not happy. People are different, and levels of happiness and tolerance are different. I can't be *you * and you can't be *me*. Am I truly *that* miserable? Do people just hate being around me? I am wondering, why do I always have to be the one to settle? Is it in my best interest? I don't need anymore people in my life telling me what I am not, or that I need to learn to deal with it, "it was just a joke", learn to chill, choose to be happy, be strong enough to stand up to them...AGGHHHH! I just want people to see me for me and know how precious that is.
I am going back to bed :-(
I'm trying, unfortunately, *trying* is crap. "It's putting forth minimal effort and expecting full credit". I'm putting forth as much as I'm willing too. My kids are more fun and important to me than school. So no, maybe I'm not giving it all that I could. Oh~freaking well.
I can't be completely honest in my posts, too much detail and I'll have to answer questions I don't know the answer to just yet.
So...I'm not a cheerleader, I don't do *bubbly and giddy*. I don't get all frilly dressed up and flirt with stupid boys or candy-coat my life so that I feel special. I am real, not perfect but real. I cry when I'm sad. I am serious and I think too much about stuff I can't change. But I am flippin awesome just the same!!! I don't understand why so many *happy* tell me that I'm never happy. Just because I don't live in your state of mind doesn't mean that I am not happy. People are different, and levels of happiness and tolerance are different. I can't be *you * and you can't be *me*. Am I truly *that* miserable? Do people just hate being around me? I am wondering, why do I always have to be the one to settle? Is it in my best interest? I don't need anymore people in my life telling me what I am not, or that I need to learn to deal with it, "it was just a joke", learn to chill, choose to be happy, be strong enough to stand up to them...AGGHHHH! I just want people to see me for me and know how precious that is.
I am going back to bed :-(
Thursday, September 25, 2008
life of mine~as of today
No startling revelations or mind blowing experiences to report. Just my simply unique, boring chaotic life. Full of contradictions as usual :-P
Abigail and Amelia are growing much too quickly, I've come to see Amelia as the toddler she is quickly turning into and have begun to squeeze every drop of *baby* from her. I can't hold her long enough or tight enough. I find myself overwhelmingly sad thinking if Amelia is this big then Abigail is grown. She is too big to hold, really the closest I can get is sitting next to her on the couch. We are talking waves of tears sad! Yet I am bursting with pride at how smart, beautiful, wise and healthy she is. They are both utterly amazing and fantastic children and I am so blessed to call them mine.
School is going, but I wouldn't say well. I am struggling to get a passing grade. I can't bear to sacrifice being an active part of my childrens childhood, to study something I have no interest in. I can't imagine a good enough reason to give up this priceless time or the opportunity to do something I naturally do well, for the chance that I could train myself to do something the *world* deems more worthy. There is nothing more worthy of my time, love and devotion than my children. I lack the ambition to conquer the world or be famous. I simply desire to raise strong, happy and wise children. Children with morals and compassion who believe in honesty and love. To me there is not greater accomplishment. Why am I constantly striving for mans approval* ? God placed this desire on my heart why do I keep ignoring it and searching for something to make me worthwhile and respected by man. The only approval I need is from the one who created me. The one who placed the desire in my heart and who gave me the skills needed to fulfill this purpose. These people did not give me life, they have not loved me unconditionally...so why do I care if I make them happy? It is in my nature to give up myself, my hopes and dreams to please others and I do not think that is the life I was intended to have.
Does this mean I am quitting or giving up? No. I believe I must set an example for my girls. I have to show them that sometimes it is not simple or pleasant but if you are given a task you complete it. And you do it to the best of your ability, but not at the expense of your dreams. And very challenging task.
I struggle daily to find my way but I have one constant in my life. If I remember to look up, if I take the time to feel it, there is peace. Peace that surpasses all understanding. And that is how, despite all the pieces of sky falling, I still stand. That is why, even though the waves threaten to knock me down, I will not give up. I face each and everyday with a new appreciation of yesterday and the anticipation of tomorrow. I have Peace and Hope and Love and Joy, So my bank accounts may be empty, my house may be messy and my children might misbehave... I am wealthy beyond measure.
Abigail and Amelia are growing much too quickly, I've come to see Amelia as the toddler she is quickly turning into and have begun to squeeze every drop of *baby* from her. I can't hold her long enough or tight enough. I find myself overwhelmingly sad thinking if Amelia is this big then Abigail is grown. She is too big to hold, really the closest I can get is sitting next to her on the couch. We are talking waves of tears sad! Yet I am bursting with pride at how smart, beautiful, wise and healthy she is. They are both utterly amazing and fantastic children and I am so blessed to call them mine.
School is going, but I wouldn't say well. I am struggling to get a passing grade. I can't bear to sacrifice being an active part of my childrens childhood, to study something I have no interest in. I can't imagine a good enough reason to give up this priceless time or the opportunity to do something I naturally do well, for the chance that I could train myself to do something the *world* deems more worthy. There is nothing more worthy of my time, love and devotion than my children. I lack the ambition to conquer the world or be famous. I simply desire to raise strong, happy and wise children. Children with morals and compassion who believe in honesty and love. To me there is not greater accomplishment. Why am I constantly striving for mans approval* ? God placed this desire on my heart why do I keep ignoring it and searching for something to make me worthwhile and respected by man. The only approval I need is from the one who created me. The one who placed the desire in my heart and who gave me the skills needed to fulfill this purpose. These people did not give me life, they have not loved me unconditionally...so why do I care if I make them happy? It is in my nature to give up myself, my hopes and dreams to please others and I do not think that is the life I was intended to have.
Does this mean I am quitting or giving up? No. I believe I must set an example for my girls. I have to show them that sometimes it is not simple or pleasant but if you are given a task you complete it. And you do it to the best of your ability, but not at the expense of your dreams. And very challenging task.
I struggle daily to find my way but I have one constant in my life. If I remember to look up, if I take the time to feel it, there is peace. Peace that surpasses all understanding. And that is how, despite all the pieces of sky falling, I still stand. That is why, even though the waves threaten to knock me down, I will not give up. I face each and everyday with a new appreciation of yesterday and the anticipation of tomorrow. I have Peace and Hope and Love and Joy, So my bank accounts may be empty, my house may be messy and my children might misbehave... I am wealthy beyond measure.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
*#@% Foolish Ambition
" I can do it, I know it will be hard, but I'm a smart girl, and I'm determined to stand on my own. I don't need a boy, I want to buy my own house, and I have to be able to make money so I'm gonna do it. I can do it!"
What the freak was I thinkin! Who slipped stupid pills in my morning coffee?! And now that the 12th day of class is coming to an end and I don't even know how to drop or switch classes, failure is looming on the horizon.
I am in a mood, can you tell? I've had this whole week off, and the more I think I'm getting it together, the further behind I am. Crawling into a hole isn't going to help, my struggle is not with time management... my struggle is because I have to flippin clue what to do, how to do it and where to begin doing it in the first place!!! I need to GO to school! I need a teacher. I am not a homeschool prodigy who can follow simple instructions. I need detailed, step by step instructions. I suddenly feel retarded. I don't know how to do this and the more I try to get it under control the more out of control I feel. I am turning into devil Mom...as opposed to sucky mom. I can't do it. I can't very well give up, but I am failing in the worst way. I don't even know how to ask for help.
I'll pull it together, but for now I am sad beyond tears. I can't get my head above water, I thought I was caught up only to realize that I missed 2 weeks worth of assignments in my writing class due to my own simple lack of computer knowledge. I couldn't figure out the online classroom and so I didn't see the assignments.
I know it will be okay...I just don't know when. My idea of okay is not having pressing deadlines,a nd disappointing people. I forgot dinner with a friend last night and I have yelled at my kids today. Never a good sign.
Question to myself today is...who am I trying to please? My heart, my home is with my kids. I have never had the desire to make $90k a year and miss my true calling. I want to enjoy my kids. I want to play with my girls and witness their self discovery and accomplishments. I have given that up. I was silly to think that people would respect me or be proud of me for going to school. Once again, by attempting to please everyone, I have gotten so far off track I don't even recognize myself. I know what I want I know how to best accomplish it. But in a moment of doubt, in my pit of fear and because of my addiction to mans approval I have once again failed my soul.
Time to put on my big girl panties...I have class. I will come home to kiss my sweet girls. I will complete my *mom *chores, I will check my email (feed my addiction). I will take a shower and go to bed, hopeful for tomorrow.
What the freak was I thinkin! Who slipped stupid pills in my morning coffee?! And now that the 12th day of class is coming to an end and I don't even know how to drop or switch classes, failure is looming on the horizon.
I am in a mood, can you tell? I've had this whole week off, and the more I think I'm getting it together, the further behind I am. Crawling into a hole isn't going to help, my struggle is not with time management... my struggle is because I have to flippin clue what to do, how to do it and where to begin doing it in the first place!!! I need to GO to school! I need a teacher. I am not a homeschool prodigy who can follow simple instructions. I need detailed, step by step instructions. I suddenly feel retarded. I don't know how to do this and the more I try to get it under control the more out of control I feel. I am turning into devil Mom...as opposed to sucky mom. I can't do it. I can't very well give up, but I am failing in the worst way. I don't even know how to ask for help.
I'll pull it together, but for now I am sad beyond tears. I can't get my head above water, I thought I was caught up only to realize that I missed 2 weeks worth of assignments in my writing class due to my own simple lack of computer knowledge. I couldn't figure out the online classroom and so I didn't see the assignments.
I know it will be okay...I just don't know when. My idea of okay is not having pressing deadlines,a nd disappointing people. I forgot dinner with a friend last night and I have yelled at my kids today. Never a good sign.
Question to myself today is...who am I trying to please? My heart, my home is with my kids. I have never had the desire to make $90k a year and miss my true calling. I want to enjoy my kids. I want to play with my girls and witness their self discovery and accomplishments. I have given that up. I was silly to think that people would respect me or be proud of me for going to school. Once again, by attempting to please everyone, I have gotten so far off track I don't even recognize myself. I know what I want I know how to best accomplish it. But in a moment of doubt, in my pit of fear and because of my addiction to mans approval I have once again failed my soul.
Time to put on my big girl panties...I have class. I will come home to kiss my sweet girls. I will complete my *mom *chores, I will check my email (feed my addiction). I will take a shower and go to bed, hopeful for tomorrow.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Do what you gotta do
I got signed into all my online courses, wrote my hello introductions and am now asking myself just what the heck did I do?! I am completely overwhelmed! There is so much to do. Thank goodness Jubilee is here!!! I have done what I can for tonight.
I've given up hopes of seeing a clean house anytime soon. Something has to give and as far as I can see it...its gonna be the housework and cooking. Lunchables and paper plates around here for awhile. Cobwebs make yourself at home. I've got studying to do and lots of it! At the end of all this I really hope my kids still love me and understand I am doing this for them! oh~yeah...and school sucks!
I've given up hopes of seeing a clean house anytime soon. Something has to give and as far as I can see it...its gonna be the housework and cooking. Lunchables and paper plates around here for awhile. Cobwebs make yourself at home. I've got studying to do and lots of it! At the end of all this I really hope my kids still love me and understand I am doing this for them! oh~yeah...and school sucks!
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Blessings and blunders
Wow...where to begin?
While I was in Stephenville this past weekend, I did so much thinking, and actually even felt good about it. I know where I am going, I know what I want and I know I'll be alright even if it doesn't work out *my* way.
Today I am driving to Round Rock to get the girls and then head home. I know I am low on gas and am looking for a gas station. I see one but by the time I realize it is open, I have passed it. I think about turning back but read the display and it tells me I have 40 miles to go...and then I see the sign saying Leander is 22 miles so I keep going. About the same moment my thought process finishes my steering wheel locks up and my car dies. I am grateful I wasn't mid turn, that could have been very bad as there was quite A bit of traffic on 183 today. :-) Jubilee and I get out and start walking back to the gas station when man pulls up and asks if we need help. I am hesitant, but also in need of help so I look in his truck and see the Baptist convention cap and the Bible and so I say, yes and climb in (okay there was a tad more hesitation than that but again I am an hour and a half away from anyone I know.) Long story short, he takes us to the gas station, and we get gas then he drives us back and puts gas in the car. He makes sure I know to crack the windows and we are on our way once again. Thank you to all of you who received freaking out text or call form me. We made it home safe a sound and God was certainly watching over us!
So now we are home with 2 very tired little girls...we came home to a big pink poster and some sparkly stars on the table with cupcakes. And the swing set is up in the back yard. Thank you!!!
So tomorrow is a big day for the Sanders Girls. Abigail begins First Grade and I start at Blinn.
Now I that I have posted an update I realize my 19 month old is still awake and creeping up behind me. She needs her Momma...and I am more than happy to cuddle her! Good night all!
While I was in Stephenville this past weekend, I did so much thinking, and actually even felt good about it. I know where I am going, I know what I want and I know I'll be alright even if it doesn't work out *my* way.
Today I am driving to Round Rock to get the girls and then head home. I know I am low on gas and am looking for a gas station. I see one but by the time I realize it is open, I have passed it. I think about turning back but read the display and it tells me I have 40 miles to go...and then I see the sign saying Leander is 22 miles so I keep going. About the same moment my thought process finishes my steering wheel locks up and my car dies. I am grateful I wasn't mid turn, that could have been very bad as there was quite A bit of traffic on 183 today. :-) Jubilee and I get out and start walking back to the gas station when man pulls up and asks if we need help. I am hesitant, but also in need of help so I look in his truck and see the Baptist convention cap and the Bible and so I say, yes and climb in (okay there was a tad more hesitation than that but again I am an hour and a half away from anyone I know.) Long story short, he takes us to the gas station, and we get gas then he drives us back and puts gas in the car. He makes sure I know to crack the windows and we are on our way once again. Thank you to all of you who received freaking out text or call form me. We made it home safe a sound and God was certainly watching over us!
So now we are home with 2 very tired little girls...we came home to a big pink poster and some sparkly stars on the table with cupcakes. And the swing set is up in the back yard. Thank you!!!
So tomorrow is a big day for the Sanders Girls. Abigail begins First Grade and I start at Blinn.
Now I that I have posted an update I realize my 19 month old is still awake and creeping up behind me. She needs her Momma...and I am more than happy to cuddle her! Good night all!
Saturday, August 23, 2008
animal cookies and the isty bisty teeny weenie yellow polka dot bikini.
How can it be a bad day when you start off with cookies! Especially the tiny pink and white frosted ones with sprinkles! It feeds my inner child. :-) And Jahna is playing her new cd with the yellow polka dot bikini song...a fun way to start the day.
On to more serious subjects...
Took the girls to Brent last night. Mom and Dad went with me and maybe now they will understand that while it is not the worst thing that can happen, it is still a bitter pill to swallow. Brent started off in a funky mood because I switched the meeting place since I am in s'ville. I guess he had a bad day and to some degree I must still be a safe place or him, but I was strong and I stood up to him in a very respectable manner. No ugly words, just facts. By the end of it I did end up driving 15 minutes more because he was running an hour late, but he actually thanked me and asked if Abigail had everything she needed. I felt like it was a really good thing. Now did it make th trip home any less solemn and lonely, Nope. Oh~well.
As for other areas of my life. Well, I learn daily what growing up truly is. So far I've learned that when people need distance it doesn't mean they don't love you. Sometimes everyone needs to be alone with their own thoughts. Being alone with my thoughts...is down right scary and I don't like it. A few weekends ago I was reading a book by the lake and it scared me. Here, I've been thinking I'm over what happened...only to realize the scars go much deeper and no...I haven't dealt with everything and that could possibly be the missing link in my effective parenting chain right now. I'm thinking...I can do this on my own. And now I realize that while I *can* it is not a good idea. I do not want to become who that would make me. I have support, and by not allowing others to help me I am depriving them of the privilege of loving me. I am also capable of jumping off a bridge all by my lonesome...but why would I do that? In my mind, I feel like I am so preoccupied with doing it on my own I am not looking at what that is truly costing me. I have days where I wake up really happy...but the first time the kids scream or tell me "no", my day is shot. And then every time something goes wrong I just get more and more negative so that at the end of the day anything that might have been positive is far outweighed by the negative. I've got to re-adjust my thinking and learn to let it go. And just breathe, live and love. I haven't been loving my people the way they deserve and I miss them so much. Abigail has been off in her own world for far too long. School is about to start for both of us but we will find a way to reconnect. I hope in 22 days Chris misses us as much as we miss him.
Again, a bunch of words that don't mean much to anyone but me. Now I want to go shopping. :-)
On to more serious subjects...
Took the girls to Brent last night. Mom and Dad went with me and maybe now they will understand that while it is not the worst thing that can happen, it is still a bitter pill to swallow. Brent started off in a funky mood because I switched the meeting place since I am in s'ville. I guess he had a bad day and to some degree I must still be a safe place or him, but I was strong and I stood up to him in a very respectable manner. No ugly words, just facts. By the end of it I did end up driving 15 minutes more because he was running an hour late, but he actually thanked me and asked if Abigail had everything she needed. I felt like it was a really good thing. Now did it make th trip home any less solemn and lonely, Nope. Oh~well.
As for other areas of my life. Well, I learn daily what growing up truly is. So far I've learned that when people need distance it doesn't mean they don't love you. Sometimes everyone needs to be alone with their own thoughts. Being alone with my thoughts...is down right scary and I don't like it. A few weekends ago I was reading a book by the lake and it scared me. Here, I've been thinking I'm over what happened...only to realize the scars go much deeper and no...I haven't dealt with everything and that could possibly be the missing link in my effective parenting chain right now. I'm thinking...I can do this on my own. And now I realize that while I *can* it is not a good idea. I do not want to become who that would make me. I have support, and by not allowing others to help me I am depriving them of the privilege of loving me. I am also capable of jumping off a bridge all by my lonesome...but why would I do that? In my mind, I feel like I am so preoccupied with doing it on my own I am not looking at what that is truly costing me. I have days where I wake up really happy...but the first time the kids scream or tell me "no", my day is shot. And then every time something goes wrong I just get more and more negative so that at the end of the day anything that might have been positive is far outweighed by the negative. I've got to re-adjust my thinking and learn to let it go. And just breathe, live and love. I haven't been loving my people the way they deserve and I miss them so much. Abigail has been off in her own world for far too long. School is about to start for both of us but we will find a way to reconnect. I hope in 22 days Chris misses us as much as we miss him.
Again, a bunch of words that don't mean much to anyone but me. Now I want to go shopping. :-)
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Okay now....
Thats just enough.
I have proclaimed love for this man and while I do love him dearly, I will not be reduced to whatever *this* is.
I am beautiful, intelligent, talented and my heart is pure. The love that I have to give is rare and precious. I have my emotional moments as any woman does, but they are part of my strength, not a weakness. I deserve a man who will fight for me at all cost, love me as Christ loved the church and will hold on to those he loves, and claim us for his own...not a man who can walk away. We've been down that road, and we learned our lesson.
My choice is to be true to my heart. I want this man in my life, yes! But will I act like a silly little girl falling all over myself for a man who can't see what I am worth...I think not. Not anymore at least. :-)
It will be a beautiful day and a thrilling ride!
I have proclaimed love for this man and while I do love him dearly, I will not be reduced to whatever *this* is.
I am beautiful, intelligent, talented and my heart is pure. The love that I have to give is rare and precious. I have my emotional moments as any woman does, but they are part of my strength, not a weakness. I deserve a man who will fight for me at all cost, love me as Christ loved the church and will hold on to those he loves, and claim us for his own...not a man who can walk away. We've been down that road, and we learned our lesson.
My choice is to be true to my heart. I want this man in my life, yes! But will I act like a silly little girl falling all over myself for a man who can't see what I am worth...I think not. Not anymore at least. :-)
It will be a beautiful day and a thrilling ride!
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Your view
Maybe to you it seems I am desperate...it couldn't possibly be that I have found love, could it?!
If I were to have listened to my heart....and not every outside opinion...I would be happy with Chris. I would have accepted him as he was and we would be together right now. But Instead I doubted myself. I took the stupid 30 days and where did I end up.
Maybe you see it as desperation...I see it as fighting for what my heart needs. And I'll continue to fight and I will not mess it up again and if is costs me my family...it will not be his fault it will be yours for making me choose.
Not to worry though...he's not exactly in a hurry to be with me again, and am too back and forth, up and down...he is asking himself if I am worth it.
If I were to have listened to my heart....and not every outside opinion...I would be happy with Chris. I would have accepted him as he was and we would be together right now. But Instead I doubted myself. I took the stupid 30 days and where did I end up.
Maybe you see it as desperation...I see it as fighting for what my heart needs. And I'll continue to fight and I will not mess it up again and if is costs me my family...it will not be his fault it will be yours for making me choose.
Not to worry though...he's not exactly in a hurry to be with me again, and am too back and forth, up and down...he is asking himself if I am worth it.
Request
I don't want to talk to any of you, I can't.
I know it could be worse.
I know it will work out...and this will somehow fulfill his plan for my life.
I know I deserve better.
I know I did exactly what I needed to do.
But it still hurts like hell.
No, I don't know what it feels like to lose a child. I don't know what it is like to have cancer. I don't know what death feels like. I didn't lose and arm or a leg. I don't have a spouse going to Iraq...but this is slowly killing me. To love someone and have them walk away the first time was bad enough...and to have to go thru it again is absolute torture.
God you want me, you have me. Miserable mess that I am. They only see me as incomplete and negative. You say I am complete in you...so how come I feel empty?
I am angry. I allowed outside influences to determine the path I followed. I love you guys...but I will never do anything right enough for you. The only way to please any of you is to be miserable. So you should all be ecstatic right now.
God you wanted me to be broken. I am ruined. Please transform me into your creation. Something beautiful. Something priceless. Help me to find joy in myself. Help me find fulfillment in myself. If the point of having a man is to learn to depend on them and love them with all that you have only to be abandoned...I'm out.
I know it could be worse.
I know it will work out...and this will somehow fulfill his plan for my life.
I know I deserve better.
I know I did exactly what I needed to do.
But it still hurts like hell.
No, I don't know what it feels like to lose a child. I don't know what it is like to have cancer. I don't know what death feels like. I didn't lose and arm or a leg. I don't have a spouse going to Iraq...but this is slowly killing me. To love someone and have them walk away the first time was bad enough...and to have to go thru it again is absolute torture.
God you want me, you have me. Miserable mess that I am. They only see me as incomplete and negative. You say I am complete in you...so how come I feel empty?
I am angry. I allowed outside influences to determine the path I followed. I love you guys...but I will never do anything right enough for you. The only way to please any of you is to be miserable. So you should all be ecstatic right now.
God you wanted me to be broken. I am ruined. Please transform me into your creation. Something beautiful. Something priceless. Help me to find joy in myself. Help me find fulfillment in myself. If the point of having a man is to learn to depend on them and love them with all that you have only to be abandoned...I'm out.
Monday, August 18, 2008
comfort & hope
Just a few of the songs I am listening to today. They bring me comfort and remind me of what I hope for. The last one may be a tad corny...but I'm allowed to be a girly girl sometimes.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ry6udsW9leA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=doaHIOXIhH0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=izbzKArXvcI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ry6udsW9leA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=doaHIOXIhH0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=izbzKArXvcI
Solitude
My heart is torn in half. I must choose. Why do I find myself in this situation over and over again? Why can't they see how this rips me to shreds!! Why do they think they know better than I what my heart needs? Who is he to tell me that what I long for doesn't exist?
Is it really so unthinkable that a man might fall so deeply in love with me that he would lose his pride and be with me, as I do for him?
I want the relationship described in the Bible...I want a man to love me as Christ loved the church. I was created for this. I was made in His image, for His purpose. I was not made with flaws, but intricate, unique characteristics to perfectly follow His will. Why can't he see how precious and rare a heart like mine is?
My mind is lonely, they are fighting for my heart, but the only one who will lose is me.
How much more must I lose before He will look at me with kindness and bless me? How much more refining must I endure?
I have to be strong and take solace in His arms and know that above all else...he has called me beloved.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
His words not mine...
Okay~ my post from earlier is my perfect example of how God speaks to me. It amazes me to go back and read words that I typed and know that they are from God. They make not make sense to you but they fit the puzzle in my mind completely. They comfort me and give me hope and understanding. They are for me. As I type, I write whatever comes into my mind and whatever I feel in my heart. Some days it is blurry and jumbled and makes no sense...but other days it is crystal clear and gives me a clear path to follow. Today was one of my clear days, and in this moment I feel very blessed.
just another day in the ocean of my mind
I went to pick up my books for school today and was completely overwhelmed! I've been buying so many books lately in my search for purpose, meaning, fulfillment and direction.
I know what I am searching for...and I know all the *right* answers...but I just can't seem to find peace with my life. My mom gets irritated with me because I tell her I am angry with God...that I just can't feel him. She tells me to remember the footprints in the sand poem, and that the more I search for peace the more I will struggle. Peace is not the still, serene picture it is the bird who built the nest behind the waterfall...I know I know.
I do have peace because most nights when I lay my head down, I am OUT! I get up every morning and know it will be ok. That life will go on, I will get up and face the daily challenges of being a single Mom and know I am blessed. I don't live in an apartment or home with my parents. My ex-husband pays child support and actually spends extra money on gas to drive and see them weekly. I have food and clothes and I have a job that gives me the freedom enjoy my own kids. When I look at all that, I question how on earth I could be so selfish and feel like life is unfair.
Yes, I was a angry bitter ex-wife, but that was yesterday. Today I was able to honestly speak of Brent and not be angry. I am grateful for how much he does love his kids. I read back over some old letters and I was sad, but it seemed foreign, the words were unfamiliar and didn't hold the power that they used to . My heart didn't hurt and my eyes didn't fill with tears. The pain is subsiding as I move forward and the desire to have my *perfect* family is replaced with a stronger desire to follow God.
The purpose I find in this is that God wants me completely. He does not want to share me. He wants me to be the woman he created me to be...strong enough to stand on her own and raise her children in the way of the Lord. I don't want to be strong. I want to have my cookie cutter, simple and organized life. I don't want a makeshift, patchwork family... These words sting and terrify me. I do not want to be a single...it is not my will but His. What purpose could I possibly serve if I am angry and alone. But how can I choose to be angry that God loves me so much and wants to be my soul mate? He may not sentence me to solitary confinement forever but for the time being it has become pretty clear. I have to learn to be *HIS*. Jinon doesn't want to be alone just like Jinon didn't want the divorce...but it is not about Jinon. It is about God and bringing glory and honor to him. Yesterday I failed to do that, but I have the opportunity to take what I learned yesterday and the strength I've gathered today and the gift of tomorrow. Please pray with me as I continue to follow His will.
I know what I am searching for...and I know all the *right* answers...but I just can't seem to find peace with my life. My mom gets irritated with me because I tell her I am angry with God...that I just can't feel him. She tells me to remember the footprints in the sand poem, and that the more I search for peace the more I will struggle. Peace is not the still, serene picture it is the bird who built the nest behind the waterfall...I know I know.
I do have peace because most nights when I lay my head down, I am OUT! I get up every morning and know it will be ok. That life will go on, I will get up and face the daily challenges of being a single Mom and know I am blessed. I don't live in an apartment or home with my parents. My ex-husband pays child support and actually spends extra money on gas to drive and see them weekly. I have food and clothes and I have a job that gives me the freedom enjoy my own kids. When I look at all that, I question how on earth I could be so selfish and feel like life is unfair.
Yes, I was a angry bitter ex-wife, but that was yesterday. Today I was able to honestly speak of Brent and not be angry. I am grateful for how much he does love his kids. I read back over some old letters and I was sad, but it seemed foreign, the words were unfamiliar and didn't hold the power that they used to . My heart didn't hurt and my eyes didn't fill with tears. The pain is subsiding as I move forward and the desire to have my *perfect* family is replaced with a stronger desire to follow God.
The purpose I find in this is that God wants me completely. He does not want to share me. He wants me to be the woman he created me to be...strong enough to stand on her own and raise her children in the way of the Lord. I don't want to be strong. I want to have my cookie cutter, simple and organized life. I don't want a makeshift, patchwork family... These words sting and terrify me. I do not want to be a single...it is not my will but His. What purpose could I possibly serve if I am angry and alone. But how can I choose to be angry that God loves me so much and wants to be my soul mate? He may not sentence me to solitary confinement forever but for the time being it has become pretty clear. I have to learn to be *HIS*. Jinon doesn't want to be alone just like Jinon didn't want the divorce...but it is not about Jinon. It is about God and bringing glory and honor to him. Yesterday I failed to do that, but I have the opportunity to take what I learned yesterday and the strength I've gathered today and the gift of tomorrow. Please pray with me as I continue to follow His will.
Monday, August 11, 2008
the journey continues
This past weekend I was able to sit by the water and listen to the wind. It was lovely! I missed my girls terribly, but they were spending some much needed time with Dad.
I've been contemplating this post for awhile...and I'm still not sure what will come out.
Life is everything. It is in the trees, the smiles of my girls, the hum of the fan, the ever constant chatter of the children, in the gloomy rain clouds and in the yucky, so very *lost* moments. Life is what I have in this moment, but I have no clue what that means. I am happy. Although the past year was supposed to teach me something, I don't feel smarter or stronger. It wasn't wasted, but too much time was lost feeling angry and alone. I wasn't, I had love and support coming from all directions. I was being refined, and prepared...for what I have no clue. But there has to be some purpose!
I embrace the new challenges I will face this fall. It will be a refreshing change of pace to stress over *new* things!
Thats all I have time for now, I'm off to do what I want...which is one of the first new things I get to stress over :-)
I've been contemplating this post for awhile...and I'm still not sure what will come out.
Life is everything. It is in the trees, the smiles of my girls, the hum of the fan, the ever constant chatter of the children, in the gloomy rain clouds and in the yucky, so very *lost* moments. Life is what I have in this moment, but I have no clue what that means. I am happy. Although the past year was supposed to teach me something, I don't feel smarter or stronger. It wasn't wasted, but too much time was lost feeling angry and alone. I wasn't, I had love and support coming from all directions. I was being refined, and prepared...for what I have no clue. But there has to be some purpose!
I embrace the new challenges I will face this fall. It will be a refreshing change of pace to stress over *new* things!
Thats all I have time for now, I'm off to do what I want...which is one of the first new things I get to stress over :-)
Friday, August 8, 2008
This is the Day
Today I will live the life I love, I will seek God with my whole heart and follow Him and today I will be happy knowing who I am in Christ.
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