Would you like seconds?

Life has been good...too good. I'm trying to be positive and ignore my intuition and claim the thankful heart I should have.

Today, I shall eat my words.

Brent had been dare I say *kind*. Kind that is for Brent which is not to say kind as in acting out of the goodness of his heart for no reason as a normal person would.

Anyway...not that anyone else will understand, but today I am angry. His *kindness* was fake. Fake as fake as fake! He is once again trying to buy our daughters love. And unfortunately she is his daughter too and so it is working.

I know why now...Abigail is the proud owner of a horse. I am certain my child is ecstatic. I am heartbroken I didn't even get to see her face. I regret very little about my life but I do regret ever so deeply sharing any of my dreams with this man who lives to steal them and live them out in front of me, with someone else. Life is cruel beyond imagination some days. I dreaded my children being ill and I am beyond grateful for their health...I never thought to be fearful of sharing my dreams.

I react, Deal with it. I am not made of stone. My "reactions" would be those feelings of sadness, slight betrayal and yes, anger. I do not act in these moments of hurt and this is what makes me dignified. I call my Mom or a friend and I talk it out in my safe place. If the worst I do is blog about my life, or heaven forbid write a letter when my husband is sharing Jezebels bed (without or without intercourse...an affair of the heart is just as devastating, if not more so)...then once again I will state, I am an amazing woman. I am resilient. I am dignified and I have handled this with grace. And yes I did just bring up events that took place 3 years ago as they have forever shaped the course of my life. I have moved on. I am with a man who loves, respects and accepts me with my scars. However I am not stone and these things will still effect my daily disposition. When I said it was getting better...yep, I take that back. And to end with Ryan's favorite quote...I think I'll go wash those words down with a warm glass of shut the hell up.

a year of thoughts

As I sit here listening to Christmas music and watching the fireplace, I cannot help but think. This past year has been pitch-black at moments. However, tonight in my warm house, with my girls healthy and sleeping I am ever so thankful!
I do not claim to know why those moments had to be quite so painful, nor do I know what it means for my future, but I do know I am on the other side looking back and it is not scary anymore. I walked that path because I choose too. Long before I had any comprehension of the possible outcome, I blindly made the choices that brought me to it. Now I know if you are going to make a choice, know your intent and the possible outcomes and own whatever choice you make!
It was simply by love & grace that I survived my foolishness. A year has flown by. Words were said, books were read, heartaches survived, laughter was heard and smiles were felt in our hearts ~ this year we were loved beyond comprehension.
Among my personal highlights this year…
This year I discovered I have friendships that run deeper than I ever knew possible. People saw me in my darkest moments and yet loved me anyway, not only in words. I pray I am able to love these women as well as they have loved me. They have taught me how to live freely and happily.
I learned what love is on a completely new level. I thought I loved Brent; I did love Brent as best as I could at 20, when I had such a simple understanding of the word. I knew what love was supposed to look like, feel like but I had no idea how to make it come to life. I did not know how to *do* it. I had to learn the hard way. I see now, true love requires painful sacrifice and humiliation. I played the martyr…it was not about me and I was such a brat to try to claim that.
I am loved and capable of loving. I am learning that knowing the answers is not enough, apply them to your life and chances are it is not how you think you should be doing it. It is hard and I am no expert, but I am on a new path one that is light and joyful.
Through the classes, I have taken, and the life I have lived ~I am learning!  I know now that I am completely lost. My plans and goals have come and gone and tonight, I laugh aloud as I realize I am living freely. Sure I have ideas of how I want my life to go, but for the first time I am open to it going someone else’s way.
My kids are creatures and we have our moments, but we love each other through them. I learned from my second grader this month that 70’s and 80’s are not hopeless. It simply shows the Teacher finally caught up to where her mind is, and can now teach her things she did not already know. This is good. I learned from Amelia, God gives us different kids to teach us different lessons. I am not sure what lesson Amelia is teaching me, regardless, I love her snotty little face and when she smiles, it really does brighten the room. Her laugh is angelic and contagious. They are both amazing, irreplaceable miracles! I am learning that I know nothing beyond nothing about being a parent. Yet I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are where they need to be, that God will give me the wisdom and patience I need each day to be the Mom they need me to be.
It may not make sense to anyone but me because it is my lesson. I am happy in my skin, and in my head and in my heart…and I am loved, just as I am.

question/rant

How many of you have days here and there where your work overwhelms you? Days when you don't like your job or the people you work with? Honestly, who is immune to these days? I'm not saying everyday, but every couple of months, do you have a day where it all just goes wrong?

As parent, how many of you have perfect children who never disobey or smart off. Do you enjoy every single moment of every day with your child, changing diapers and cleaning up messes, diffusing tantrums, stopping fights and potty training, crying and such. Do you have days where you fall into bed exhausted and sad?

Imagine trying to love and be patient with other peoples kids, while parenting your own kids and trying to get some college reading in. Balancing what other kids are used to and get away with in their own homes versus what is expected in my house... Is it really so inconceivable that I might stressed!?

I'm happy and on bad days I manage because its what I do, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I truly love my job. I just wish people would understand that as much as I love my children, and theirs...I'm allowed to have days where I'm annoyed, perhaps grumpy. I might even get a little short with said child when they test me. Does that automatically mean I'm abusive or incapable of doing a great job with kids? I firmly believe I have a higher tolerance for children than most people and this is the job I was created to do. However, children are not perfect and I am not tolerant of annoying attitudes or blatant disrespect/disobedience. I will respect them and they will respect me! I'm not perfect, Never claimed to be. I love these child as my own, I nurture, instruct and care for them. I will not put up with every ounce of bologna a child dishes out.

I charge extra for that! :-)

long time coming...

Verbal vomit overload, words swirling in my mind and I need to purge my thoughts, please forgive me.


Trying to make more time for God, time to sit still and listen, but its hard with kids constantly running around! I'm trying to get this school thing done, trying to be a good Mom, friend, girl friend...and I'm beginning to feel utterly overwhelmed! Work is too constant. I need to take a step back. I need to set some limits. I need to schedule better, So much I need to do and I can't figure out where to start! I want to cry! Trying isn't accomplishing anything, I know better than to try. I need to purpose in my heart and set goals I can achieve...

My kids are wonderful...wonderfully horrid little creatures who test me and today I can't do it. Today I am tired and completely overwhelmed! I have mid terms and kids and I just can't...but what choice do I have? I cannot afford to fail again.

Hey Jezebel...Thanks! :-)

VENT!!!!!

So I guess vet school rules apply to parenting also. What is that quote, the one about the ability to fake sincerity being a measure of success? Man, I sure would like to know what BS TAMU CVM is handing out. Do they ever wonder why their divorce rate is so high. Oh wait, they don't care. They are creating gods, *real doctors*, who cares if they are deceitful, apathetic liars who only care about the amount of money they can charge to tell your dog is dying. I will note here that not every vet is such an colossal arse, some manage to get through vet school with their morals intact, just not the one I was married to or the one he *did not* leave us for. Maybe they never had morals to begin with.

Reasons and Stories

A few quick happenings this week in our crazy house!

Amelia has discovered the art of story-telling! She begins with "Once upon a time" followed by whatever recent memory she can recall. It is quite charming if I do say so myself. She loves to get all dressed up, but the clothes never seem to stay on very long. She love to be nekkid!! She adores "Llama Llama Red Pajama" and Dora! She has recently discovered the best way to make mom smile, just say, Yes ma'am! :-)

Abigail is doing very well, school seems dare I say *easy*?! She is in the Higher Achieving program at school but still finishes her work in enough time to also complete her homework at school. I'm sure it will get increasingly harder as the year progresses but for now she has alot of free time which she spends playing with friends, riding her bike, reading and helping me around the house! She has become the resident "towel folder" and "dishwasher unloader". Its awesome!! Her reasoning skills are mad!! This week I informed her they were going to get flu shots and she proceeds to tell me she would rather get the flu. "Macy had the flu last week and she says its just a sore throat, I'd rather have a sore throat than get a shot mom!!"
I explained it was more than that and she had to consider that I would have to deal with her grumpy behind if she got sick, she might get Amelia sick, that Mary is pregnant now and soon I'll be watching Annabelle so we were getting flu shots regardless. I was so proud of her argument I almost wished I could have given in.

This life of mine continues to be blessed! Even when I can't see it, when I pout and throw a fit, He does have good things in store. He has a plan and if I remember to trust, let go and be patient...it is better than anything I could have imagined!

The list

I have this nasty habit of writing. Various notes, lists, letters etc. I find them tucked away in drawers, in notebooks, and on mirrors; Written in moments of self discovery, conversations with God, or simple reminders of love and faithfulness. Well today in one of my organizational fits I found my *List*. It looks something like this...

Godly
Comforting
Encouraging
Considerate
Strong
Honest
Joyful
Accepting
Compassionate
Dependable
Hardworking
Lighthearted
Smart
Adventurous
Open
Taller than me :-)
Tender
Romantic
Helpful
Wise
Kind
Confident...not cocky
Hospitable
Social
Fun
Supportive
Protective
Selfless
Appreciative
Loving
Balanced
Determined
Family-oriented
Humble
Trustworthy
Moral
Accountable...

The list goes on, and I am still trying to process. You see, I have met someone who not only has these qualities, but more. Today I will love with all that I have and not be scared.

Tuesday Tidbits

I'm lovin this lazy rainy days, the clouds in the sky rumble around, bright flashes of inspiration dance across the sky. Why do I love a good storm so much? I guess it feels comforting to me, to watch the storm roll in and throw things round, as it threatens to flood and to then watch it all bounce back more beautiful than ever, strengthened and renewed. Storms bring hope of restoration to our weary souls if we take time to hear it.

Just B and Miss Mia here with me today. Such sweet little kids, for now they are my canvas.

...err somethin :-)

All the words, all my "I won'ts" and "I can'ts" are suddenly staring me in the face. I was in the waiting room because I had not to decided to forward or move past this because I wanted the safety and security of where I was.

I could allow the past to control my actions, or I can take step thru the open door and follow this road, embracing the opportunity even though the possibility is overwhelming. What if this is really happening, what if its not a figment of my overactive imagination? I could walk this path and it might take me to places I've only dreamed of, or I could end up right back where I was...oh the thoughts!
They are not so much overwhelming or intimidating, but exciting and dare I say comfortable. As if the decision has already been made for me, the path is mapped out and now I just have to follow. Although I do not know exactly where it will take me, I know it will bring me great joy and peace and it will be moving FORWARD!

darkness

At first glance, what do you see? If I am smiling, is it genuine? If I am frowning, it is because I am bitter. At first glance do you see the real me, or only what you want to see.

I smile because I am content. I know life could be worse. I smile because it seems to be the only way to have people care about you, is to please them.

~Laugh and the world laughs with you ~ Weep and you weep alone~

I answer the questions correctly, tell them what they want to hear, show them who they want to think I am. I frown because when they see me for me…they leave. When I crack, if the mask slips then they have no use for me and they leave.
They tell me to be who I am…that I am rare, beautiful and genuine. Yet they want no part of that…I have no place in their inner circle.

How can I be who I am…if being who I am leaves me completely alone? What if all I have to offer, is myself, my service. But that makes me a "doormat". If I am not of service to you~I am unhappy, bitter, and alone. So let me serve. Let me drain my soul offering to you all I have, fulfilling your needs and desire. According to some, it makes me less of a woman to accept such treatment, but at least in that moment~ I am not alone.

I know I am blessed, and important to some degree…People need to care for them and I do. My children are strong, smart, healthy and funny. They make me laugh just as often as they make me cry. It is their job to test my sanity and limits. They are my reward and my education…they are my life. It is my blessing that they annoy me and not someone else. I cherish each and every moment, smile or frown. They are my priceless moments, my jewels and I would not give them up for all the money in the world much less weekly pedicures or designer jeans.

This is rare, and priceless. My heart is pure and my intentions are honest, although I try to walk a righteous path I may stumble. I am my own person whose main fault is that she loves others so eagerly and intensely it is difficult to follow her own heart. I have days where I am lost in my grief and disappointment. Do I wallow there? To some it seems I do, but it only because the pain is so intense in my heart, my disappointment is that deep. But it does not control me. I still laugh, I love, and I enjoy each moment for what it is good or bad. Why can you not see that? Why is it you choose to see me as a bitter disappointment to you? Do you not hear my laughter or witness my smiles and moments of indescribable joy?

In order to be *over* the pain, in order to be whole, must I be devoid of all emotion? Am I not allowed to feel sad? Am I not supposed to react when one of my dreams is played out in another’s life? Am I to be a statue, cold and lifeless? Is this why you tell me to medicate? I do not understand why they tell me to get over it, find myself, and be whole. Does being having feelings make me broken or worthless? Am I not enough as I am, because I *feel*? Am I not worthy of love because I feel my emotions instead of medicating them away?

I know my thoughts are scattered and difficult to read much less comprehend. I am sorry for putting this out there for you to stumble across and read. I hope that you understand this is simply the ramblings of a woman, who questions her journey and purpose. I know where my faith is planted, I am strong and determined and I am happy. I do not live in a constant state of bliss; nevertheless, I am blissfully content with my life. I do not write grammatically correct and at times, I may offend readers with my use of “you”. I write as I speak, from my heart as if to a friend. I write because at this moment I cannot pray. My faith is slipping and my heart is broken. I cry and God knows my thoughts. Today is simply a dark day and if that makes me broken or incomplete, then I guess I'm okay with that. I'd rather feel something than nothing, at least that way I know I'm still alive.

Second Grade

I knew this First day of School was gonna be crazy hectic. Brent was scheduled to have the girls the week before and I had committed to Jahnas Birthday trip before realizing the two coincided...but I didn't want to miss out on the fun and so I made the proper arrangements and although there were a few kinks thrown in it all worked out exactly as it needed too.

Abigail decided a few weeks ago she needed an alarm clock so we got that and the plan was to allow her to wake up on her own. Well, that didn't work out so well since she is her mother's daughter, but we got up and dressed and made it to school on time. However the trip into the room proved more difficult than previously anticipated. After telling me that she didn't want me to walk her in, she decided she did want me there and then she dug in her heels while having a minor moment complete with tears! But again, it all worked out and she survived her first day of school and even came home with a smile!

I will have pics up soon but right now I have to go get a flat tire fixed ;-)

Ride on Jahna's Whirlwind ;-)

To celebrate her Birthday and the end of summer, Jahna organized a classic whirlwind vacation to New Orleans! It was amazing and fabulous in traditional Jahna style! We stayed at a super swanky hotel downtown, shopped till our feet hurt and ate till our bellies were about to burst. It was epic to say the least!

Despite scheduling complications, flat tires and issues with the airlines we had a unforgettable time and made priceless memories. Driving thru the neighborhoods, seeing these amazing houses and trees, feeling the history was nearly overwhelming. The architecture of downtown was breathtaking! We ate shrimp etoufee at Bubba Gumps, beignets at Cafe Du Monde and brought home the best Pralines! We shopped and walked and took pictures, we laughed and I nearly cried. I can't wait to go back and spend a little more time absorbing the sights and sounds.

Pics to come...

Jenia's Graduation

This weekend my little sister graduated from Tarleton State University and was commissioned into the Army. It was the coolest thing to witness, she was the only only one being commissioned this August so she had the spotlight and when they announced her as a 2nd Lieutenant she received a standing ovation. It gave me chills! You have made us all so very proud with your strength, determination and heart! We love you Jenia!! Please scroll all the way to the bottom of this post to see the pics, When I uploaded them, they showed up backwards and I am feelin a tad lazy today. Enjoy :-)

this too shall pass

~And so it has. Summer has once again flown by and we have begun the countdown to back to school. I am finishing up this Child Psyc class and debating school this fall while chasing kids and contemplating life.

The girls are good, growing like crazy, Every single day Abigail amazes me as she tries to balance her maturity and knowledge of *real life* with her innocent hope for happily ever after. Amelia is just Amelia, with her expansive vocabulary and charming little smile. She has her Daddy's baby blues and she knows how to use them! She is dangerously smart and manipulative!

I am looking forward to the return of a schedule and regularity. I have a new parenting book, about love and logic and it may very well be my new all time favorite! Most of all I am relishing how much I truly love my kids! I love them as they are, stinky, snotty monkeys who challenge me and reduce me to tears everyday. I love how every day I am filled with such passionate love and desire to help them be the best lil creatures they can be. I am beyond proud of them and their minds. They are the absolute best part of me! Despite life's heartache or disappointment, despite the enemies attack or the negative energy that flows I see my kids and as long as they are proud of me and love me, as long as they are happy and healthy~ life is beautiful! :-)

"Faith is being sure of what you hope for, and certain of what you cannot see."

Some days life is excruciating, and we do not want any part of it. People and circumstances will crush us beyond what we thought possible, and once we’ve recovered from one set of wounds, another attack is being launched. With each attack we gain strength. Our hearts grow with love, our minds expand with knowledge and our souls learn to soar with passion.
I would normally say I am ashamed of who I’ve been the last few months, but I know now there is no point in regret and the only one I have to apologize to is myself. I have unattainable expectations, and if I continue on that path of selfish ambition and desire I will surely be dissatisfied for the remainder of my days. Instead if I learn to focus on here and now and the task set before me today, to love and appreciate who I have in my life; then with each day, each thought I am becoming who I am to be. When I learn to rise above, to take control of my ego and emotions and guard my heart~the attacks cannot hurt anymore. I am fulfilling my purpose, spreading love and acceptance.
I am not perfect, but I am who I am, created to have a passionate, inquisitive mind and loving heart; Strong, determined and yes, even patient. I know it will not be okay, it will be better. Every bad day I have between now and then only strengthens the love and appreciation I have to offer. We will not be loved as much…we will be loved more.
I believe in love eternal and I will believe to see.

Firework Pics

pictures

Our life as of late

a few quotes from my girl...

Amelia was trying to wake me up and I told her my alarm hasn't gone off yet, so she proceeds to push the sleep button and say "oh, now your alarm is going off, get up mom!" I tell her nice try...that doesn't count. She says "Oh, that doesn't count, okay" and went back to bed.

A few minutes later, after an attempt to wake her sister and a denied request for chocolate milk, I hear her tell Abigail "dude, don't talk to me like that!"

We stop to get food and she climbs in the drivers seat and says, "bye, I'm driving to see my dad"

I catch her with her face squished up to the mirror and ask what she is doing and she replies "I'm pickin my face."

And finally, my personal favorite, I tell her I love her more than the leaves on the tree and she says "I love you more than stickers in the yard". Sweet love from my stinky snot!!! :-)


Abigail is going thru a *fun* stage! Talk about major drama, everything is a matter of life and death and if you are going to ask for help around the house it better be worth the battle! She did not have terrible twos or threes, but man, her sevens are going to make up for it!!! The other day I had the audacity to ask her to clear out the front closet and put all the shoes in the shoe holder. I came back a few minutes later to find her laying on the floor sobbing! I asked her what was wrong and her reply was "look at all the shoes that don't fit us anymore. Those were my favorite blue boots and I'll never have a pair like them again". It was like the sky had fallen. I can't wait for preteen years!

We are doing really well. Life has been challenging to say the least and the education I am getting is not one I ever desired. I am gaining a strong appreciation for today and fresh perspective. I still have personal desires and my hope is stronger than ever. I am also learning to accept what comes as it comes. If it makes me cry, I cry. If it makes me smile, I smile. I am scared and excited, enjoying life in a way I can honestly say I never have before. This in the now stuff is harder than I expected, but the moments I am able to fully immerse myself make it worthwhile.

It is difficult to say I am grateful for this moment in life, because I am still lonely. I am grateful that this moment is not forever. It is only temporary. I need to focus on the girls and while I do not enjoy the idea of withdrawing from my life, giving up on my dreams or shifting my focus; I chose to be thankful for the freedom to do so. I am going to focus on finding balance as a family while instilling character in my girl's hearts. Not a simple task, but I know it is where my energy needs to be.

One of the routines I hope to establish is seemingly simple, Somewhere in the divorce and my failed attempt at dating we lost our bedtime routine. So this week my goal is to dedicate 15 minutes to the girls, time to read a book, or hear about the best part of their day and pray with them.

I'll be back next week to share how it goes :-)

small steps

They may be minuscule, but I am moving forward. Like it or not, the earth continues to spin, therefore propelling me forward in life. Each day I awaken a little bit further along my journey. I don't really know what to say anymore. It is what it is.

Its not like this is the end of our world. Have I no self respect or self worth? Do I know what I am worth? Yes. So why am I in the depths of despair? I don't know. I'm such a girl what else can I say !? :-)


My life is not the fairytale I dreamed as a girl, but I am happily blessed. I can be sad in my soul, but smile toward the future. I have peace, love and joy...That is more than enough to get through today.


Abigail was at a sleepover, so I took time to cherish my Mia. Before I know it she will be at sleepovers too.

Good Days

Galveston, despite sunburns and jellyfish, was unforgettable. I have some of the best friends a girl could imagine.






Tonight, after Abigail got home from swimteam and the boys left it still felt early so we headed out to get milk, thought about going to the lake but ended up getting subway. As we get out of the car with our sunglasses on, Abigail comments that people must think we are movie stars. We came home and had a picnic on the floor. Abi was cuddling up on one side and Mia on the other, both being super sweet and laughing. It was one of those nights that makes your heart sing and time stand still. My girls are getting so big and the past few days they are different...its hard to explain, but they are so amazing! My kids are my greatest treasure. I am so very blessed.

Although it has been chaotic, and at times I get pretty low thinking it won't ever be okay again...but then I have a night like this and think, "no, it will be better" :-)

may

WOW! Time is flying by, before I can process what is going on in this moment the next has already begun. I can't catch up. Abigail has been doing very well with swim team and now that school is out, she has been enjoying the freedom we adults only dream about ~ playing outside with friends, climbing trees, riding bikes, jumping on trampolines, running through the sprinkler after eating Popsicles. Now if she could just figure out the bike riding thing...

Dare I say it, Amelia seems to have calmed down a bit. Only a little bit but enough for me to breathe. :-) I love this child and she keeps me skinny for sure! She came to give me a hug this week as she told me "you my best fwiend, mommy". LIFE IS GOOD! :-)

meet pics

Swim meet!

Pics to come but here is a brief update :-)

Abigail did AWESOME!!! I am so proud of my lil swimmer.
She and Katelyn (BFF) got first in their heat for the Medley Relay, and Abigail placed first in her heat for 25 Free! I am a little unsure of her place in 25 Back, but she finished and did not stop once. It was the most incredible thing to watch! She even got a heat ribbon so now, after a little bit of uncertainty, is now offcially hooked! She was so cute when she told me "I guess I really am good at swimming!" I told her, of course you are, "it's in your blood baby!" I was honestly moved to tears as I hugged my girl. There are no words to explain the feelings that threatened to burst through my chest :-)

She is off to a great start and this girl is gonna "ROCK THE BLOCKS!!!

Summer!

Summer is nearly upon us, WaHoO! Abigail has her first swim meet of the season tomorrow and her last day of school is Monday. I am finished with classes and taking the summer off to enjoy my kids, YAY!

Josiah is back on Texas soil for R&R and hopefully we will get to see him when we go to Stephenville for Juriah's Baccalaureate.

Gus is home from the NICU and we are all smitten!

Abigail and Amelia are going to spend a week with their Dad and help him get married! Congrats Dad! I'm really proud of Brent for involving the girls so much and making an effort to make it fun for them! it sounds like it will be a great party and I have even been promised some pics of my sweet girls! :-)


This is not the life I imagined, but it is the life I am blessed with, and I am happy.

Tuesday highlights

Funny moments from my day with 5 kids under 2.

As we are going in to the bathroom for diaper changes, David stops Kaeden and says "ladies first" Aww, they really do listen :-)

Later Kaeden tells me he loves me and is gonna eat me in pieces. This little guy has stolen my heart. I love Kaeden days mostly because he loves his Jinon days :-)

Amelia despite being so *spirited* is just amazing and I love, love, love her and her stinky little moments! When she makes her fun kissy face and says "I love you soooo much" in her growly voice all is lost!

Abigail has a crush...she is in love with a 10 year old boy down the street. Oh my girl is growing up. This past weekend in stephenville she got upset when I wouldn't let her walk around the park with the "big kids". She said that when she was with the big kids she felt cool but hanging out with me made her feel like a baby :-(

The boys were in good moods today so the 12 hour day really didn't seem so overwhelming. Maybe because I could focus on the kids and there was no school to stress me out. I was able to get the backyard mowed so we played outside alot today. Days like this are why I actually love my job!:-)

My forever friend brought me chick~fil~a and a moment of peaceful acceptance. I love this lady! Then her sweet Momma saved my bootay by taking the girls to swim team since I was working late.

My other kind neighbor pointed out that the new lights I got for the walkway were not working and he asked me if I knew why. Well, they are solar lights and I assumed they weren't getting enough light. He then asks me if I turned them on...huh!? And this is why I want a man. I do not NEED a man, I just want one for times like this and to take out the garbage because I keep forgetting. I am a girl, how was I supposed to know you have to turn *on* solar lights. I can get 6 kids (under 3) to take a nap at the same time and that is WAAAYYY more important in my book!

Its all good in my neighborhood :-)

Words of encouragement!

So after feeling like a complete and utter failure in the parent department the past few weeks, I got the sweetest comment on my last blog. Thanks Carmen!

I also got the coolest Mothers Day card. Eeven sweeter was Abi was apologizing because "Dad picked it out before we got there and he doesn't know we aren't allowed to watch spongebob. I consider that my gift...she knows her boundaries! (proud sigh!) It is one of those cards that talks and says "you're my best friend!" Is there any higher compliment from your 7 year old? I am biased, and she has her moments but over all I think my kid ROCKS!!! Abigail is a very special little girl, she has faced some very difficult trials, and I think she has handled them with maturity and grace beyond her years. She is smart, healthy beautiful and has a heart of pure love! I am very blessed to be her friend :-)

So all in all my life is beyond AwEsOmE! I have moments when I am sad, and life is HARDER than I ever imagined, but despite all the snotty noses, muddy hands, peas in my blinds and downright ugly days, My kids love me and I have friends who think I'm pretty cool.

My peaceful thought for today is, "I am not who I was yesterday, I am stronger, wiser and more loved. If tomorrow comes I will change once again. I am who I need to be for TODAY, and that is all that truly matters."

Okay, Seriously

Amelia is beyond me. I have no clue how to *deal* with this child!! Oh my goodness! I have watched ALOT of kids, and dealt with a variety of behavior issues but this one is my kryptonite!! I am not even kidding. So my very serious, "I do not care if it makes you think less of me" prayer request is that God will send a father for Amelia. I know I know, she has a Father. But Brent is not here and she needs a Dad who is here with us every night. She needs a dad with a deep voice to catch her and make her think. She needs a dad to love her and back me up, helping me keep her in line. It sounds absurd, it sounds old fashioned, it sounds...oh, I do not care how it sounds. I am praying for a miracle.

God may not answer...he may tell me to wait and I may look like a fool, but oh well. I've been there before.

Please pray with me.

Intentions and purpose

I'm still trying to figure this all out. The pain is subsiding to waves that wash over me and the storm is calming as the waves seem more the like the tide going back out now. I'm stronger. As our relationship, when it is good it is really good, and when it is bad it is really bad. I still have moments where tears overwhelm me and I feel like i have run into a brick wall. But they are brief and becoming less frequent. He moved on, and without realizing it I have too. Not to another person or another relationship just simply realizing who I am, and who I am not.

Mostly who I am. I've known all along who I am not. I am quite honest with people when they meet me. It is not until I fear you will leave that I begin to hide myself, morphing into what I feel you want me to be. I never claimed to be a pocket full of sunshine. I am genuine. I am hopeful. I am content. I am grateful and I cherish those feelings far above simple happiness because without being content and grateful, happiness is just a mask people wear. I love with all my heart and I give as much as I can. I am a dreamer. I am also a very determined woman. One who commits with all she has and sticks by her word. I am beyond rare in that I do not give up. I might get scared and hide, and I might test you and let you down...but I do not walk away. I admit my mistakes and I make it right.

And if I can be patient and be thankful for this moment I know that at some point I will meet a man who will actively choose to stay with me instead of looking for a reason to run. That is what love is, an action, a verb. Not just in the holding of hands or kissing, but in the rough moments of life when you have to be tough. In that moment where it all seems so miserable and exhausting, all you can think about is running away or finding someone to make you happy and have fun with. When you truly LOVE someone, in that moment you take their hand and renew your intentions and purpose, choosing to stay. I feel sad for those chasing the dream that does not exist. They may find temporary happiness but at some point we all must face our demons.

I know that my heart is pure, intentions are honest and my purpose is strong. One day a man will see that and know I am worth any battle he must fight to be with me.

Until then, I will hope.

Welcome Gus Golden!

Augustus Sioux Golden
5 lbs, 1 oz, 17 inches (at 35 weeks)

He's pretty cute (even if he is Dan and Josanna's baby boy)

Fear

This moment in life is not fun. Divorce/break~ups/relationships in general...I have to question at this point, "are they really worth it?!"

Amalealalia

Here are a few pics of my blue eyed girl.

as promised...petshop post

As I said a few weeks ago...I have a petshop post. For those of you who don't know what petshops are, they are the cutest little bobble head animals you've ever seen.
There is an episode of sex and the city in which Carrie (SJP) ponders where her money has gone. She knows she made some yet she feels she has nothing to show for it. Hmm...where could this be leading I wonder?

Over the last few months one of Abigail's favorite responses is "I guess you just don't like me" when I refuse to purchase the object of her desires at the store. To which I respond, "Abi, I guess must not like you at all, I guess nobody likes you. I guess thats why you have hundreds of $$$ of petshops at home in your room".

I thought I was exaggerating. Oops. As I was getting her room in order, I decided to do the dreaded calculations... and this my friends is my wall of parental shame. This is proof that my daughter is oh so very *liked*!

To all of you who have contributed to the addiction, we thank you! :-)









Now this is just the animals, there are also about 6 houses and an entire rubbermade container full of accessories! There are 93 pets on this shelf (this is not including the 3 I have hidden in the closet, the ones in the car or the ones Amelia has taken and hidden) and each pets costs about $3. 93 x 3 = TOO MUCH MONEY!

And there you have it hundreds of dollars of petshops.

Tear jerker!

In the best possible way! Please go check out this blog site.

http://www.fromashestoafrica.com/

I ordered their book and today it came...there are no words. Perhaps once I have had time to fully digest it, I will be able to share my thoughts but for today I am having a moment with my God and I am overwhelmed.

:-)

Words :-)

So my blogger thing is messed up and getting the words to go with the correct pictures proves to be beyond me.

The pictures below are an assortment from the past month or so.

As you can plainly see they are both growing like weeds!

Amelia has become an expert climber and cannot be left alone.

Abigail is still my little reader. SHe has exceeded her teachers expectations for the year as she is now reading 136 words per minute, which breaks down to a third grade, month 1...and that was according to the test she took half way thought first grade!

Amelia has an incredible vocabulary...her sentences consist of no less than 3 words. We had the following conversation in the car at Sonic

Mia: Mommy, you open chocolate milk?

Me: yes, Mia, I opened the milk.

Mia: you take the lid off?

Me: Yes, Amelia, I took the lid off.

Mia: You put it in my cup?

Me: Yes Amelia, I'm going to pour it in your cup.

Mia: Mommy, you put my milk my cup, good boy mommy.

I might be biased, but that seems to be alot of words for a girl who turned 2 in Dec.

Abigail just turned 7~ I lack the words to explain how I feel about that.
Her party was a great success complete with a piñata and an ice cream cake!

I have a *petshop* post, that will have to wait till next time because i am exhausted!

Pictures!